does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
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