i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
