We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
I have post one night stand depression
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