My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
