tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
