when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
We named our party play list daddy issues
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
Randomize
