those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize