You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
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