Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
she pinky promised me she was 18
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize
