Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
