if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
