i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
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