The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize