So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Randomize
