All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
His nipple licking is glorious
Randomize
