Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
