absolutely 100% incorrect. and i love you more you silk skinned goddess
If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
Randomize
