Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
What changed your mind?
Being sober
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Randomize
