She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
