Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
Randomize
