you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
