I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Why can't burritos get me drunk
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
