Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Myspace is for pedophiles and tweakers in the 818 trying to hook up. I always forget theres music there too
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
Randomize
