The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
