I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
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