You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Randomize
