i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Randomize
