I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
You pole danced in your parka.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
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