Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize