You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
is swine flu sexually transmttd?
Ha no, why?
sriously ive never had a hangovr this bad
Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Randomize
