I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Its only 8 and she is already passed out
Perfect here is wht u do. Gently slip your index middle and ring finger into her butt hole but gently u dont wnt to wake her..let me know when ur ready for step 2
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Randomize
