My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
That reminds me...we need to get swords
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
Randomize