Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Randomize
