Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
Randomize
