Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
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