drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Randomize
