We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
Randomize
