She is in my trunk
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
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