I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
We are two peas in an std pod
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
Randomize
