Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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