I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
Randomize
