My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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