On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
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