haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
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