im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize