butt sex is not good for yourself don't do it
Thanks?
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
