his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
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