If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Randomize
