Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
Randomize
