in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
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