the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
White boys cant dance....we did an empirical study
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
I need to calm my uterus...
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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