Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
