I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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