i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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