my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
Randomize
