You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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